shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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