sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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