On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
