Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
