hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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