Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
