Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
