My boss' voice literally gives me gas
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
