Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
