i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
