forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
why is half of my head shaved?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
