Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
