I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize