Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Drake has all the answers
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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