you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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