when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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