Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
