I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
worst night to have a conscience
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
