I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
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You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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