it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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