Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
