shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
