Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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