all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
