I accidentally burped into my bong.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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