she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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