Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
