I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I fill condoms, not promises.
be right there i have to get my cape
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
