I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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