I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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