She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
