Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
