Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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