My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
