I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
