You just made me feel so damn special
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
