i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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