dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
