i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
