the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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