i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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