Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
