Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
