His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
