Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
