if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
