1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
