I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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