after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
