Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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