i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
