Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
