So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's rum buckets o'clock
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