Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
