she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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