I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize